Horoscopes - This Week 2056
This week's horoscopes were calculated by the unsurpassed wisdom and unguessable intelligence of the Clute-Del Ray A.I., in orbit with the Europa polar nodal complex. It uses the New Revised Standard Zodiac agreed on at WorldCon 2025 and is accurate to within three-tenths of a recension for all Sol-neighborhood outer-planetary colonies, ringworlds, and slower-than-light generation ships. Predictions are not valid on or beneath the surface of Earth or any of its moons.
Asimov/Clarke (Dec. 16—Jan. 2)
You will be thrilled to encounter a science so highly advanced that it is indistinguishable from magic—a science primarily concerned with generating rabbits using common headgear, producing endless amounts of colored handkerchiefs, and sawing women in half.
LeGuin (Jan. 3—Mar. 14)
Your attempt to build a peaceful, agrarian matriarchy in the former northern-Californian archipelago fails miserably when the thousands of cat-fights breaking out amongst the basket-weaving lodgers are traced back to overexposure to winsome folk music.
Gernsbacchus (Mar. 15—Apr. 21)
You realize that your world is rapidly approaching perfection, ruled as it is by the benevolent power of supermen-scientist atom-masters. Nevertheless, sometimes you can't help but feel that humanity has lost something of its near-divine spark.
Roddenberry (April 22—May 13)
You've never encountered a problem that can't be solved by the combined mental and spiritual resources of the enlightened people of the galaxy or by swinging from the doorframe and kicking people in the gut.
Zork (May 14—June 24)
Exhausted after fleeing the harsh realities of an increasingly boring life in front of the computer terminal, you will awake to find yourself transported to a colossal cave, where it will seem like you are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
Delany (June 25—July 31)
Despite your years of earnest effort to create a civilized and compassionate dialogue on the emotional languages of race, love, and desire, most of the universe will still insist on calling you "that one black gay weirdo."
Severian (August 1—Sept 6)
You will be unable to shake a deep feeling of unutterable sadness as you roam the world with a scruffy band of misfits at the end of history, performing the occasional execution in your search for your lost mother/lover and a way to rekindle the dying sun.
Zelazny (Sept 7—Oct. 13)
Even if you do find their unique combination of style, universal competence, ennui, and raw ambition strangely exhilarating, you'd probably be a lot happier if you stopped keeping company with suicidal types, immortals, and suicidal immortal types.
Kirbii (Oct. 14—Nov. 20)
You will be unable to shake the feeling that society at large would be improved by even more chunky, quasi-cubist levitating machinery of mystic origin, as well as the increased use of triple exclamation points by the general populace.
Bester (Nov. 21—Jan. 1)
Prepare for major life changes this week, Bester. You will achieve great commercial success, vast literary acclaim, and a premature death while completing your magnum opus, The Bars My Destination: A Guide To All 24 Hours Of Orbital Nightlife.